2004-01-24 - 8:52 p.m.
NewsFlash!!
Bush Tells the Truth!
In an alarming development, President Bush has apparently been struck by a need to speak the truth and nothing but the truth. In a press conference this morning, the President explained the lack of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq ("Iraq Illicit Arms Gone Before War, Departing Inspector States") by claiming that he just wanted his father's approval.
"Dad went there [to Iraq] and he didn't get Saddam, so I wanted to do it for him. I wanted him to be proud of me. That's the main reason."
Reporters exchanged fearful glances for a moment and suddenly all hands in the room shot up. The next question concerned the state of the domestic economy and whether tax cuts really were helping.
"Ahhh don't know," the President drawled out, with an engaging smile. "My friends in the oil business told me they wanted them, so I made sure we got them through Congress. I'm not an economist, you know, I just go by what the experts tell me. I read about Reagan's trickle-down theory one time, and I think if that would work, it would be a really neat idea. I think that's kind of what we're after here, with tax breaks for the wealthy and for corporations and all. I mean I'm not saying we're not giving any tax cuts back to ordinary folks too; everybody needs a little extra cash now and then. One time, when I was in college, I was really drunk and I ran out of gas and I didn't have my wallet with me, and I reached under the seat of the car and down in the cracks and everything and I came up with enough money to buy 5 gallons of gas! That was so cool!"
At that moment, an aide rushed out to the podium and whispered into Bush's ear, after which the President ended the press conference with apologies, saying "Laura says we have a little family emergency to attend to: there's an septuagenarian in the residence we need to get rid of. Well, it's always something when you're the leader of the free world, isn't it? Thanks for coming! Bye-Bye!"
Proof is always in the putting!
